One step closer.

Hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? But I guess that’s what happens when you move to another continent, study 3 degrees simultaneously and do a whole lot of other things at the same time. I do not recommend this lifestyle if  you can’t handle pressure.

Today I woke up, took a look at my to-do list and felt a deep need to sleep a little more while at the same time a bubble of laughter emerged from my belly and made me feel strangely giggly and wonderfully happy. Because this is what I had been wanting and wishing and working towards, wasn’t it? This was it. This was the result of all those late nights and all-nighters and mornings stumbling out of bed into the brightness of day with a headache thumping at the back of my eyelids and I was finally here and it might not be the end of the journey but it’s a step closer. I felt oddly light as I changed into a pair of jeans and a plain grey t-shirt, as if I could fly if I so desired. I sat down on the empty shared kitchen of the flat and ate cereal with milk and was suddenly reminded of a phrase of Mark Strand’s: “…tell them that by being both here and there, I am becoming a horizon.” I suddenly wanted to open the window and tell everyone all these phrases, ancient voices that are not my own but that resonate through my body like a vessel, they clash against my bones and tangle on my veins with the sole purpose of expressing this inexplicable feeling. Tell them that I am the result of the love of thousands. Tell them that if He is with me, nobody can be against me. Tell them that I am a horizon. Tell them that I move to keep things whole. Tell them I am on my adventure. Tell them I’m happy, terrified, brave. Tell them that home is not a place on a map. Tell them…tell them that breath is what I give them when I send my love. 

As I sat in a lecture room two days ago I was asked how I came to be there. “Well,” I said. “I just thought it would be nice to study here.” The true answer is much more complex than that but I was not going to explain that to young boys with rosy cheeks and too many nights filled with drinks ahead of them. Afterwards, though, I looked in the mirror and told myself that maybe I would not be here if I had not taken the road less travelled when I was a young child with starry eyes and dreams bigger than life.

Later as I was walking back to my flat with a bag of groceries on one hand and a bag of books on the other I felt tired and promised myself that I’d take 50 steps and then rest and flag down a cab. After my small respite, I told myself that I’d take another 50 steps and then rest and then flag down a cab. I repeated this process until I was halfway to my flat and then stopped because I was tired and my shoulders hurt and my legs hurt and my feet and my everything hurt. So I told myself I’d take one more step, just one more and I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was in my flat. It was then that I realized that the hardest part of doing anything is that in-between moment when you don’t remember the beginning and can’t see the end. Well, at least now I’ve got some practice putting one foot in front the other.

Finally, I just want to say…I am on my way.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. lwcaveman says:

    Great post! It’s amazing how the middle of the journey is so hard. From my perspective if you decide to finish your journey with resolve something changes inside. You free that inside beast and next thing you know you made it, you completed your journey. The thing is it doesn’t matter how big the journey is, if you keep going you will get there. Thanks for the inspiration.

    Like

    1. annieleeyj says:

      This was a very nice comment and certainly inspiring! I like your take on journeys and am glad to know my post inspired you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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